Thursday, February 4, 2010

.just.so.tired.

If you read my blog often (well, whenever I have time to post), you know that I don't often complain, and that more often than not, all my posts are about Bella. This morning it's a little different, I'm feeling a little run down and frustrated, and just need to whine a bit... maybe I should WINE a bit.. would that be some sort of faux paux at 6am? I don't have any champagne or orange juice to make mimosa's.. ...... ....anyhow.


I'm tired. I'm tired of our Beagle always digging and having to spend 10 minutes cleaning the mud and dirt from between her toes and nails. I'm tired our other dog waking up at night, whining to go out, when I know FULL WELL that she CAN hold it, if she wanted to. I'm tired of Bella not only waking up at night, but also waking up for the day at 5am. I'm tired of trying to do CIO, only to have Kevin huff and puff and let out large, annoyed-sounding sighs after 3 minutes of her crying. I already feel bad letting her cry, that surely doesn't make be feel any better about it. I'm tired of her fighting naps, only to fall asleep right before lunch. I'm tired of waking up to dishes in the sink. I'm tired of NOT having a dishwasher.

This sounds like I'm tired of being a mom.. I'm NOT. I love staying home with Bella, I just don't know what to do to fix the exhaustion and run-down feeling that I have. I don't know how to get her on schedule. Back to sleeping through the night, and going down for naps without (much of) a fight. Stupid holidays. We were SO GOOD before then, and now we just can't get back on track. She screams and cries so much harder now, to the point of coughing and gagging. And she doesn't just fall asleep, she'll make herself sick first. I hate the fact that she is in there, crying herself to exhaustion. That is no way for her to nap, and it doesn't result in a GOOD nap, and I think it only makes her resent nap time, making it even HARDER to put her down. I just wish I knew of another way, another idea, to help, and not be so exhausted. I have been trying to keep her up in the mornings, trying to get her to one nap. I think.. or thought she was ready, but I'm not so sure. Her morning naps have always been very short... And her afternoon naps erratic.. so I thought if we could sip the morning nap, she would have a better afternoon nap. I'm not so sure its working.

I'm just frustrated. This morning, she was up BEFORE 5am. I trued to put her back to sleep, but after 15 minutes of patting, then another 20 minutes of straight crying/screaming, I finally got up, and was ANGRY. I don't really know who I am angry at, though. I'm angry Bella is up so early (after waking up during the night, and taking a while to go back to sleep). I'm angry that Kevin's only solution was "I'll bring her to bed", which I am NOT doing. That will only teach her she will get to come to bed if she wakes up and cries. I'm angry that, not only did Bella wake up, but my dumb dog decided AFTER I got Bella back to sleep, and *I* was just falling back to sleep, that she HAD to go out, right NOW. And then wanted to run around in the yard in the snow. This is the dog who, any other time, I have to practically throw off the back deck to get her to go out if there is even the slightest dampness to the ground or it's dark. Except in the middle of the night, apparently that is the ideal time to run around and play in the snow. Why did i never know this!?

I love my pets, I really do, but sometimes I hate them so much, that I'm tempted to just let them out the door and hope they never come back. I never would do that, but I threaten them with that all the time. Kevin hates that I yell at Lizzy so much more than Gabby, but that's because Lizzy doesn't listen. If I say "Lizzy, go lay down." She will take two steps away, then stop and start to come back. I have to tel her a thousand times. Gabby? She goes into the bedroom, MAYBE I have to tell her twice. And the digging. The DIGGING! I don't know what to do with her. I either don't let her out, or I spend 15 minutes scrubbing the mud from her nails. Which, if I didn't have a toddler to take care of, wouldn't be a problem.

I really don't know WHERE I'm going with all this, oh right.. why I'm angry this morning.. I was so irritated. Irritated about Bella getting up, Irritated with Kevin for.. I don't even know why.. that he DIDN'T get up? But he was going to, except he was just going to bring Bella to bed. Or, would have brought her out to the living room and slept with her, and not given her a bottle, or changed her. Because he's so tired. I know he's tired. I know he gets up at 3:30am for work. I know he drives just over an hour to work, and it takes and hour and a half minimum to get home. I know he has to go to bed early.. but.. what about me? He gets days away from work. He gets time away from us. I don't have any day where I'm "off". I don't have any time to myself. I mean, of course when Bella DOES nap, I have that time, and after she goes to bed, but I try to use that time to wash the dishes that are always in the sink, or clean up the toys in the living room, or maybe SHOWER. Yeah, there have been days I don't shower at all. I'm not saying "days" as a collective of a bunch of single days here and there, but there have been days, multiple in a row, where I don't shower. Not because I don't want to, and it's usually not more than two, but because Bella is fussy, or I am trying to get other things done, and then by the time evening comes, it's dinner time, then bath time, then cleanup and then bedtime for Bella, and then, I just don't.have.any.energy. to shower. How is that even possible? Taking a shower doesn't even require energy.

Anyhow, this morning I'm just tired and cranky. As I sit here, with Bella gated into the living room, and drinking my coffee and typing this all out, my body is slowly waking up, and I'm feeling slightly less annoyed. I have things to do today, and it won't do any good to be irritated and annoyed.


Well, if you made it all the way through my pity party and whining and complaining, I suppose you deserve a reward. Here it is:




My sweet princess, after her bath.

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