Sunday, January 30, 2011

Being the rock is hard work..

Forgive me if I repeat things I have posted before. I just need an outlet.

I'm the rock. I'm the one who is honest when you ask my advice. I will be there for you to hold you up when you are falling down. I will pick you up if you've fallen. I will hold open the door when you have no strength to turn the knob. I will find the silver lining, I will help you focus on it. I am the annoyingly optimistic person that will tell you everything happens for a reason, that no door closes without at least a window being open. That everything will work out and that it may not be what we have in mind, but it will, and it will all be okay, somehow, someway. Well.. at least.. that's who I was. Just a month ago, I was finding that optimism, that positive outlook on my life when everything seemed to be going wrong..

Now, I feel like this rock, that I have been for so many people, it slowly cracking.. small pebbles are falling away.. and I'm having a harder and harder time finding the silver lining. yes, My daughter, my husband, they are my silver lining. But we all know that when it is all said and done, we need a roof over our heads, and the stress to be gone. Are there people out there in worse situations? Yes. Of course. I feel like, no matter what we do right now, nothing is going right..

In the past year we have filed bankruptcy, moved out of our house, my husband is losing his job, my mom left my dad and is going to North Carolina to be with some guy she met online, my dad is losing his job, our Beagle had cancer and we had to put her down, my mom donated a kidney to my uncle (both are well except for my mom's apparent midlife crisis). We just found out our other dog, Amie, which lives with my in-laws, really hurt her back and may need surgery for that, and that the surgery may not even help her. I've had a few emotional breaks over things that have been said to us, by family, about our choices and current situation.. its just.. all too much.

It doesn't sound like a lot, but its all big things. My shoulders and neck are constantly tense. My head hurts 85% of the time. I feel like I'm just floating around. I've lost desire to do anything remotely productive. Trust me, I feel like trying, I tell myself - You've got to get up, get moving. Do the dishes, the laundry, do this or that, and.. well.. I don't. I just.. well, taking a shower takes huge effort most days. I feel like I'm just disconnecting from everything. I'm here. I'm doing what I'm supposed to - because of Bella. She is all that drives me to keep moving forward, but.. I can't cry to her about my feelings. I can't talk to her and yell and scream to get my emotions out. And I feel like all I do when I talk to my friends is complain, and I hate being that person, the one who always just whines about how awful MY life is. The truth is, I don't have anything else to talk about. Sure, Bella is doing great.. I can talk about Bella, but somehow I ALWAYS turn the conversation onto my own problems. I do it unconsciously. And then next thing I know I'm rambling on and on about all my problems. And then I'm like.. crap.. they don't freaking care, because I've told this person all of this before. nothing has changed. Why do I keep just.. repeating myself. It's probably because I just have all these emotions bottled up. And not all of them I feel comfortable sharing, and so I just share the things I do feel like I can share and so.. you hear it over and over.

I'm the rock. I have to hold it together. I have to see the silver lining, to be positive, to keep My family going forward, to go towards and work towards what is positive and good and get through these tough and challenging times.

I need to find my way to God. I know that will help. The problem is, we go to a Catholic church. I wanted to go to other churches, but.. Kevin really wants to be Catholic, because his dad and uncle and half his family is. He feels that is where he should be. Except we can't join because of my stupid first marriage not being able to be annulled because they need information from my ex's family. Makes no freaking sense to me. Why should that matter.. but it does. I haven't done anything because I don't feel that pull into the Catholic Church. I want to go to another church. One that is.. I don't know. I don't know what religion. I just want somewhere I feel a bit more comfortable. That there is less of a feeling that i HAVE to go, and more of a WANT to go. With mass, I feel like there is this big stigma of obligation, you HAVE to be there. If you don't, you should feel horrible and guilty and go confess why you weren't there and I just am not into that. I don't feel like it's where I should be. I dunno..t hats totally off subject from where I started but.. whatever. I'm putting it out there.

So.. a rock, a boulder.. under enough pressure, eventually cracks and starts to crumble. That's how I feel. Like little pieces of me are slowly falling apart.. and all I am able to do it just stand by and watch. I seriously have thought about seeing a therapist or a counselor, or seeing if there is some sort of medication to help me, or something. Because.. I hate feeling like this, but I just can't seem to shake it.

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